Funny Naughty Quotes
Men get laid, but women get screwed.
- Quentin Crisp (English writer)
Women need a reason to have sex — men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal.
I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton
I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne
I think-therefore I’m single.
- Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
- Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
- Gloria Steinem
“Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.”
- Joey Adams
“Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.”
- Aldous Huxley
“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”
- Woody Allen
“Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.”
- Joseph Fischer
“Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.”
- Swami X
“When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.”
- Samuel Johnson
“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.”
- Al Bundy
“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”
- Johnny Carson
“If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.”
- Chekhov
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.”
- Irwin Corey
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“I know nothing about sex, because I was always married.”
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
“When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”
- Sacha Guitry
“The only thing worse than a man you can’t control is a man you can.”
- Margo Kaufman
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
- Sam Kinison
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
- Groucho Marxv
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”
- Jackie Mason
“We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.”
- Shelley Winters
“I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.”
- Henny Youngman
“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.”
- Carol Leifer
“A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.”
- Shelley Berman
“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
- Dave Edison
“Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock.”
- Will Rogers
“Never moon a werewolf.”
- Mike Binder
“Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”
- John Mendoza
“I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.”
- Lily Tomlin